Communicating in Relationships

The past year has been difficult for a lot of reasons, one of which is being faced with changes to your relationship. Maybe you’ve found yourself spending more time with your partner if you’re both working from home, navigating your home as a workspace. Or maybe one or both of you are dealing with grief and loss; of a loved one, a career, or a way of life that has been altered significantly. Stresses have been compounded, and we’ve had to adapt to changes, both big and small. A connective thread running through all of this is the need for effective communication.Communication is made up of a lot of moving parts, and the focus of this blog will highlight three main aspects: communication styles, listening, and nonverbal communication.

There are four main types of communication: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive. With passive communication, there is typically indifference and avoidance of conflict. They usually just want to “keep the peace” and not engage. Aggressive communicators are the opposite and tend to intimidate via dominating the conversation, blaming, or even threatening. They want to be seen as right, and the other person as wrong. Passive-aggressive communicators may seem passive initially, but there are hints that they are quite angry or resentful such as facial expressions that don’t line up with their words, using the silent treatment, or muttering under their breath during a conversation. Finally, assertive communication is usually the most effective. Assertive communicators can say how they are feeling and what they need directly without overpowering the other person or making them feel small. This is usually by using “I statements” to own their feelings. Chances are you see yourself and your partner in one or more of these styles. No one only uses one all the time, but the trick is to be aware of how you are communicating and use small shifts such as “I statements,” clear and direct statement of your needs, and non-intimidating body language to make it much easier for yourself and your partner.

Communication isn’t only made up of what you say. Listening is a crucial ingredient, and one that must be focused on. Active listening refers to how well you communicate to your partner that you’re listening to and understanding them. Nodding your head or giving the occasional verbal feedback like “uh huh” or “go on” shows your partner you are engaged with what you’re saying and not just waiting for your turn to speak. Asking follow up questions or offering a summary of what they’ve said also shows that you’re actively listening. When you practice this, not only will you get more out of conversations, but also allow your partner to feel validated and heard.

Finally, nonverbal communication is just as important as what you say during a conversation. It is crucial to be aware of your facial expressions and body language while speaking with someone. If eye contact, for example, is avoided, it is a sign of mistrust. If it is held for too long, it can make others uncomfortable. Casual eye contact, occasionally broken, can make someone feel respected and heard. Space between you and your partner is important as well. Be mindful of body position and the power differential that can result if one person is sitting and the other is standing. There is no “perfect way” to nonverbally communicate, but awareness of how you are conveying respect, intimacy, and engagement will make your interactions that much better.

Communication is constantly changing, depending on the person you’re with, the environment you are in, or the subject being discussed. If it helps, talk to your partner about communication styles, body language, and listening skills. Sometimes a brief conversation can allow you to understand your partner’s needs and how best to give them what they need.

Rob Baker, MA RCC

Walmsley EFAP